Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
