i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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