i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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