I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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