Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
