is your mom at the bar?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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