I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
