so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
