I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
God, I missed his penis.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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