He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I will pee on everything he values.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
