you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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