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• (219): View more from Indiana

  The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes

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• (315): View more from New York

  He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?

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• (252): View more from North Carolina

  I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips

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• (561): View more from Florida

  They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.

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• (204): View more from Manitoba

  You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day

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• (269): View more from Michigan

  I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty

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• (204): View more from Manitoba

  My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..

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