why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
