rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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