i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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