She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
