Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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