I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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