Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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