Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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