two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
