I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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