no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
