definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
