I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
