Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize
