I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
