Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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