omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
