Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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