call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Randomize
