He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
