mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize