I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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