What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
