i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
