if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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