perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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