You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
