between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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