I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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