dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
