So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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