I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize