So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
