are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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