Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
