i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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