I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
