8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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