There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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