Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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