dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
