All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
