I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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