On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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