This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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