Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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