masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
