I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
