remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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