whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
